"What's it all about, Alfie?" That's what I was asking MYSELF after the end credits started rolling on this remake of a 60s film, originally a stageplay by Bill Naughton.

"Alfie" is almost a docudrama style of showing how one Englishman can ruthlessly sleep with as many women in Manhattan as possible. I haven't seen the original 1966 movie, same title, starring Michael Caine, but if it was anything like this one, it sucked too.

The picture has little moments of putting a plot together, but actually these little moments tend to formulate a series of subplots, consistently revisited at odd times. The style does not work for me. For 103 minutes, Jude Law (Enemy at the Gates) gives either a soliloquy or voice over to the audience, attempting to justify using all these women, then as the film progresses, he starts to realize he may be hurting people. Just as he realizes he's not getting any older, and could miss out on TRUE love, the movie ends. Wow.

There's basically nothing to take from this movie accept don't sleep with women women you don't plan on calling back; this most men have instilled anyway, if they're worth anything to the population at large. In the 60s, I can imagine this film and its message in need of exposing, but in today's sexual and romantic U.S. culture, we know sex in a relationship is far better than casual sex. I'm stopping now before I sound too much like a self help book written by Oprah.

Jude Law was fine. Despite a totally annoying film, his performance was the only thing that got me through it. Susan Sarandon (Dead Man Walking) has a small role and is very captivating. She chews up Law in their scenes together.

As she gets a little older, Marisa Tomei (Anger Management) is beginning to light up the screen when she appears, as she does here. She also chews up Law.

Relatively new on the big and small screens, Sienna Miller (High Speed) did extremely well as the absolutely adorable, manic-depressive Nicky. And well…yes…she chews up Law in their scenes too. Hmm. I see a pattern.

Also using Law as a chew toy was Nia Long (Big Momma's House) as Lonette, love interest of Alfie's best friend who he knocks up. She showed an absolute control over her person and created an awesome character, as did Omar Epps (Against the Ropes) as best friend Marlon.

So, yeah, the acting was good, the cast was magnificent, but how can director Charles Shyer (Father of the Bride 1 & 2) have made anything decent with just a solid cast and no viable material? Answer being…he couldn't. In fact, whatever executive said, "Hey, I have an idea. Let's remake 'Alfie,'" is probably washing windows under a bridge somewhere in downtown Los Angeles right now: at least he or she SHOULD be.

Generally, this picture is a pile of fertilizer. Reason I went to it being, it was the only picture in English here (Switzerland) I haven't seen yet. I should have saved my money.

Benn - Where's the Humanity?