Aliens Vs. Predator
reviewed by Benn "Where's the Humanity?" Farrell & Brian "the Naked Gun" Felts
"Alien vs Predator" is the worst movie I've seen this year. The only thing I saw worse was
"Cat in the Hat," aka "The Movie We No Longer Speak Of."
AVP tells the tale of an expedition hired by the Weyland Corporation--there's always a corporation
involved--who catches a heat bloom on there satellite, determining there's a pyramid underneath
2000 feet of ice in Antarctica. It remains there as a game room for the Predator creatures, who
use humans to birth Aliens, so they have something to hunt and earn their right of passage.
Passage to what? We don't know. This is all from what some Italian dude could read on the wall
and floors of the complex (deep annoyed sigh).
Eventually, the stupid scientists, supposedly experts, discover some of the Predators' guns
in the pyramid and a bunch of crap starts happening, which I really couldn't bring myself to care about.
I feel anyone in this film's audience, who loves both series of movies, want to see one attribute from this
kind of picture...FIGHT SCENES. However, there is only about one minute of Alien versus Predator fighting actually
seen in the movie. Even at that, camera choices were at the hands of director Paul WS
Anderson, who also made such cinematic greats as the "Mortal Kombat" movies, "Resident Evil" and…f**k
it, you get the point. All his sequences between the creatures were too close and too
dark. With a dropped frame rate, fight choreography was impossible to keep track
of. It was like watching a rooster fight with the lights off, just a bunch of funky noises
with a nearly black screen.
The backstory of how Predators, as the first society on earth, came to use humans was sadly
born and seemed to grasp at anything someone with less than standard intelligence would buy
into.
This picture had only one character I even cared about at all, and HE was killed relatively
quick, smart move. Anderson, who also wrote the screenplay, needs to take a writing course and
learn about viewer identification. There was absolutely NOTHING in this movie worth seeing,
and I curse any of you who do not heed my warning. If you love the "Aliens" and "Predator"
flicks as I do, skip this movie. If you have never seen those series of pics before, don't
give these ass movie executives their money. If you do, don't tell me. Otherwise, I may throw up
on you.
"Alien Vs Predator" is loaded with cheap laughs, unsubstantiated knowledge from its characters,
ridiculous backstory, sickening cinematography and everything else Anderson's movies are known for.
Seeing this movie would be like asking God to give you cancer.
Benn - Where's the Humanity?
As much as I hated this movie--and I did, I did not hate it as much as Benn. The problems I had
were many, and the things I like were too few. Overall, I was very disappointed that this movie
was this bad, because--unlike Benn, there are some Paul WS Anderson films I do like. This is
not one of them.
This movie is a combination of two better creature creations from the 1980's. Yes, I know
"Alien" came out in 1979, but it was ahead of its time. After the third "Alien" movie, a comic book
was made battling these two movie creatures. I may be wrong about the date, but I do know that is
around the same time "Alien 3" came out, most likely afterwards. Since that time, there has
been rumors about a movie in the works.
Finally, Anderson was given the directing nod, and I was
happy. I liked two of his movies which I have seen, "Event Horizon" and "Resident Evil."
However, instead of treating
AVP like a dark, intense, psychological thriller ala "Event Horizon" only better, he treats this movie like
"Mortal Kombat" and "Resident Evil," which is the wrong direction for this series.
This movie looks, feels and is written like it was a bad video game. When a human dies, you
don't care. The detective work done by humans, to discover what was going on, could have been
done by a 16 year old with a PS2 controller. The cinematography was too
shaky, which appears to be a new and unfortunate trait in action movies this year; referring to "Bourne
Supremacy." The story didn't make sense and is more unrealistic than any other "Alien" and "Predator"
movie; that's saying something.
Also, none of the other movies were PG-13, and this should
not have been either. This movie should have been made for 30-40 year old males. We have
seen "Alien" and "Predator" movies in theaters, instead of the 13-20 year olds who see everything
through a computer screen. That was the biggest mistake in this movie.
It would have been okay--I stress OKAY--if Anderson would have treated the fight scenes like a video game.
However, as Benn has pointed out, there were no real fight scenes between the creatures. We got to see
more humans being blown away or captured by the Aliens. If colonial marines couldn't beat the Aliens,
and Arnold Schwarzenegger and his special forces team couldn't defeat a Predator, what chances do a bunch of
half-ass scientists have? I don't get it.
I can't imagine anyone liking this offering, who loved other "Alien" and "Predator" movies. If
you have never seen the other movies, you can watch this and think that its great. To those
who watched Ripley say, "Get away from her, you B**ch!" and Schwarzenegger say, "You are one ugly motherf**ker,"
then this will leave you very disappointed; at least it should. It isn't the worst movie I have seen. That
would be "Cold Mountain," but if this was the best they could do, they should've never done
it at all. Brian - the Naked Gun
That's right. I thought myself into a "Avoid at All Costs!" rating. When I first came out of the
cinema, having viewed the film, I was leaning towards "What the Hell was That?" rating. However,
one thing occurred to me. This movie prays on the love fans have for either or both the Aliens
series of movies and the Predator series. Thus, since the movie was SO bad, I feel it is a slap
in the face of those of us who cared for these creatures.