Brian Felts Darkness Falls
reviewed by Brian "the Naked Gun" Felts

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There are many times--Benn will confirm this--I will watch a movie because I think the leading woman in it is hot. "Darkness Falls" is yet another one of those movies where I wanted to watch the chick, and her name is Emma Caulfield. You may ask who she is. Well, she is the vengeance demon, Anya, who became a regular character on TV's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Yes, I watched that TV show for Sarah Michelle Geller too, but I digress. Emma is attractive to me for the following reasons:

  1. She is hot, with big thingies.
  2. I think she is a pretty good actress, and that's saying something for this movie.
  3. In a revealing interview in Maxim magazine, she states she loves football and actually plays fantasy football. Oooo, Emma.
  4. She's got big thingies.
So, I watched this movie, and unfortunately, she can not save the horrible, horrible, non-horror, horror movie.

Basically, the story goes, this lady was persecuted 100's of years ago, and she comes back to haunt the descendants of the town folk who killed her. What did she come back as you ask? A Demon that possess people? No. A huge grizzly bear that eats everyone? No. An indestructible killing machine like Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers? No. How about a nasty looking tooth fairy that is afraid of the light? Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner, and a s**tty story line.

This movie has very few scares and doesn't even make you jump. Caulfield does the best job, and that isn't saying much in this movie. The only other actor of worth is Chaney Kley, who has also been in "Legally Blonde."

The director, Jonathon Liebesman, has directed two other movies which I don't know if they have been or will ever get released. The screenplay was written by John Fasano, who has written such Academy Award® winners¹ as "Another 48 hours" and "Universal Soldier: The Return." We can now see how Hollywood justice works, since I don't think we will see anything from these two people ever again. I pray we don't.

Don't see "Darkness Falls," unless you like Emma. In that case, you can just fast forward through the parts she isn't in. The only message I can get from this movie is, remember to floss…or you will be visited by the Tooth Fairy, AHHHHHHHHHHH--my ass.

Brian - the Naked Gun

¹  Neither "Another 48 Hours" and "Universal Soldier: The Return" have actually win an Academy Award®, nor a nomination. This is Brian's use of sarcasm.