This film could not have been more painful if the usher was drillling a Drevel bit into my head. It could not have been more painful if I had fallen down a small flight of stairs while leaving the cinema…hehe. "Ocean's 12" was nearly complete crap, with the exception of a couple laughs and some pretty European locations.

"Ocean's 12" is the present day followed up to the remade casino heist caper flick "Ocean's 11, " which I enjoyed immensely. I was more than happy to see an attempt at a sequel, but I should've went with my instincts and skipped it.

Basically what happens this time around is, Daniel Ocean and his cohorts are located by Terry Benedict and given two weeks to pay up the money they stole from him in the first movie, with interest. I won't do the math, but it's a lot.

So, not knowing who ratted them out, the crew heads to Europe to pull off a series of heists to earn back the cash they need, all except Carl Reiner's character Sol.

As they get started, they are quickly being hunted by Isabel, played by Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago), a way too good looking English police detective, working with the France authorities to capture this group of Americans. Her backstory is, she's missing a father, which we don't find out until Act Three, and she once dated Rusty, played by Brad Pitt (The Mexican) about three years earlier than the new story takes place. I'm already getting another headache just trying to TYPE the damn story summary.

So now that we're in the thick of Act Two, screenwriter George Nolfi decides to change the plot and make it about this master burglar named the Silver Fox or some shit, making a wager with Ocean to prove who is the better burglar.

However, this was already feeble since the American team was a group of con artists while the Silver Fox was a burglar. Now all of a sudden, once they get to Europe, the American's know more about being burglars and don't care to be con men.

So at the top of Act Two, Isabel is giving a lecture about the two most notorious burglars of their time, Lemarc and the Silver Fox, his apprentice.

As the movie goes on, we quickly get a sense that Isabel knows who Lemarc is, and that it was her father, who is now missing, but in the end of Act Three, Rusty tells her her father is Lemarc and she seems surprised.

Then we get this ultra contrived seen between a cameo of Albert Finney as her father and her meeting for the first time since he disappeared, even though his identity was kept a secret as if we knew who the person was. But no, instead, we get a whole NEW character as Lemarc. Then why conceal his identity? This trait is called a red herring and Soderbergh as director served it up without conscious.

The big twist at the end of the picture was what we in scriptwriting trades call an "escape" tactic. Its used in acting as well. It refers to magcians creating a diversion before they make an escape. That was the twist of this picture. Nolfi says to himself, "I have no clue what to write at this point. I know, everything we just saw was a set up and THIS is what actually happened." He makes the plot escape the parameters he established it with, without reasons except he had to.

This picture had so many annoying sequences I can't begin to describe them all. However, the most annoying was when over half the team was in a jail in Rome, caught by Isabel, while a handful of others were left to pull off the big job. How? By bringing in Ocean's twelfth member, his wife Tess, played by Academy Award winner Julia Roberts (Mona Lisa Smile).

What's the con they use with her? Well, Nolfi thought it'd be hilarious if the last of the team used her as a famous celebrity to distract everyone. Which celebrity you ask? Sure, why not…Julia Roberts. She plays someone impresonating herself. Then there's a cameo by Bruce Willis playing himself, thinking Julia Roberts is the real Julia Roberts, but she's not; she's Tess. At one point Julia Roberts CALLS Julia Roberts on the cell phone, and…. Do you understand why this picture was painful to watch?

This picture had no spine. Soderbergh and Nolfi drop character altogether in this picture, while character was a big part of the first picture. Even subplot's are established in Act One and NEVER returned to again, like the story between the two brothers, played by Casey Affleck and Scott Caan at odds during Affleck's wedding rehearsal dinner. Its established they have problems, but its never stated why.

Fuck it, no one cares about the stupid subplot anyways. I didn't care about the main plot either, but what do I know. I'm just the guy who paid 17 CHF to see this piece of shit. They don't owe me any kind of substantial reason in their storytelling, so why not shoot and edit any old piece of shit and call it a sequel, eh?

As for the acting, every performer in this work made poor choices, especially the choice to make the sequel in the first place. This picture is a smudge on their art.

The only reason I'm not giving "Ocean's 12" our lowest rating is cause its nice to see the many Euro locations it has between Holland, Rome and France. Otherwise, the movie is a complete and total bust. If you've seen the "Ocean's 11" remake, skip this one. It's sad.

Benn - Where's the Humanity?

I am going to have to disagree with Benn to some degree on this one. By no means is this a good movie, but this movie probably is closer to the original 1960 Ocean's 11, than the remake that this sequel is based off of. This is a buddy movie. This is 11 people plus a few extra's getting together and deciding that they had so much fun with the first, lets do another, which is exactly what the Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin movie of the 60's was about.

Do I have complaints? Sure I do, tons of them, most of them Benn already mentioned, but in this case it doesn't take away from the movie because the actors don't take themselves seriously for this movie. This wasn't going to get them an Oscar, or bring forward a controversial issue, its fun, that's what entertainment should be, fun!

I will say that Julie Roberts looked awful. Almost Whitney Houston awful if you get my meaning.

So I say go watch this movie, its better than Meet the Fockers primarily because these guys don't take themselves seriously. Who wants to all the time?

Brian - the Naked Gun