Ben! Ben, Ben, Ben, what are you doing to yourself. You know, I totally understand why you did Gigli, you were going to marry that hooker so you had to support her, sure I understand. Hey, you even got smart and dumped her million dollar ass. Things were looking up. So why in God's good name would you take this role in this piece of shit movie? I might as well ask James Gandolfini, Catherine O'Hara, and even Christina Applegate the same thing, Why? You all are much better than this movie. This movie has to be one of the worst Christmas movies…Ever. Guys, come on, help a brother out.

This movie stars Ben Affleck (Good Will Hunting, Chasing Amy,) as Drew Latham, a millionaire salesman, who can, and I quote the movie, "Sell whale steaks to Greenpeace." (Actually, believe or not, the script gets worse from here!) Who has no family, we don't know why, or friends to spend Christmas with so he takes a cab ride to the house he grew up in outside Chicago and buys a family to spend Christmas with for $250,000. The family, in the thirty seconds you get to see them before Drew moves in, is apparently in turmoil, you know this because the father of the family Tom Valco, played by James Gandolfini (The Sopranos, The Last Castle,) tells us so. He and his wife Christine, played by Catherine O'Hara (Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events, Best in Show,) are going to get a divorce. Well, Drew is around to try and save the day, but he screws it all up. Then for some reason, they get back together, yeah! And Drew is going to be with Tom and Christine's daughter, Alicia, played by Christina Applegate (Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy, The Sweetest Thing,) although that doesn't make since because she hates Drew. Oh and there is a son, Brian, played by Josh Zuckerman (Austin Powers: Goldmember) who likes porn, he is 17 of course he does, but he accidentally saw his mother on one of the websites, but do we get that resolved, NO! This entire movie is an unresolved fuck up.

The stars in this one are not to blame. The writers who have brought you such screen classics as The Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas, Josie and the Pussycats, and A Very Brady Sequel, bring you this heart felt turd wrapped with icicles and Christmas lights. Their names are, and please write this down because if you see these people you must avoid their movies at all costs, are Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont. I do not wish these people any ill will, but, I hope that when they shuffle loose their mortal coil and go on to heaven, if they believe in it, I hope that their talent for writing screenplays burns in hell. I have never seen anything written so horribly. Ed Wood has written better movies. Hell, my one act play, which is the biggest piece of crap ever put on paper, is still better than this movie. Do these two screenwriters a favor, stop seeing their movies so they have to move on to some other career, because I am sure they will be better at it than they are at this.

Again, I say why? Ben, please if you are reading this, please choose your scripts carefully, you know what a good one is, you (and Matt Damon) have written a great one. Please, Please be careful, and that goes for the rest of you actors that already have a career. This kind of movie is best left to those who have never been in a movie and are trying to break into show business. We can forgive them, it's going to get a lot harder to forgive you veterans if you don't start choosing better.

Remember, people in heaven, talent deserves to be in Hell.

Brian - the Naked Gun