Dir. Renny Harlin
Writ. J.S. Cardone
Act. Steven Strait, Laura Ramsey, Sebastian Stan

What is worse than an action movie with no action? How about a horror movie with no horror or scares or anything resembling a boo? So we mix these two ingredients together and I give you the very crappy The Covenant. A movie that should have been released on the Sci-Fi channel because its special effects and plot and story are a step above anything produced on that channel.

The story, if you want to call it that, revolves around four boys who go to a private boarding school who are called the "Sons of Ipswich" because their descendants were some of the founding members of the Ipswich town. Well Ipswich was very much like Salem back then and they too had witch problems. Sure enough, these four have those same abilities, which they seem to be able to control until two newbie's arrive at the school. One being the relatively attractive Sarah Wenham, played by said relatively attractive Laura Ramsey (She's The Man,) who is turning heads and making the crouch area burn of the leader of the 'Sons" Caleb, played by recent new comer Steven Straight (Sky High.) The other new school student is so obviously the bad guy that the only way it could have been more obvious was if he carried around a sign during the entire movie that said I'm the bad guy. His name is Chase Collins, and he is played by Sebastian Stan (what kind of name is that?) and he is also a new guy to cinema, basically. So Chase threatens Sarah with death unless Caleb gives him all of his powers on the night he "ascends' which is his eighteenth birthday.

Other than my own personal fear of spiders, there was nothing remotely frightening about this movie. So I don't understand why it would be categorized as a horror. There were a couple of decaying ghost fade a ways but even those weren't anything. The only scene that had some tension was the shower scene with Laura Ramsey showing off her well place tattoo's on her body and the constant pressure of whether or not we would see some full frontal, but alas it was not to be.

Now the action scene was down right hilarious. Actually it was awful, but still funny. The "fight" with Chase and Caleb using ectoplasm (ok so it wasn't Ghostbusters ectoplasm, but it would have been better) was lame. At one point I was thinking that they were going to stop the fight unzip their pants and see who had the biggest d*ck. It was the only way it was going to end, and that was how bad it was. Boy, how far has director Renny Harlin (Die Hard II) fallen? However, Harlin isn't the sole reason this movie sucked, the writer J.S. Cardone is a big part of it. Looking at J.S.'s resume is liking looking at a who's who of direct to video crap including but not limited too, 8mm 2, The Marksman, Sniper 3, and my personal favorite, Mummy an' the Armadillo. I am guessing that J.S. stands for Jack Sh*t, because that is what his resume looks like.

Well that about sums up this colossal brown stain on the underpants that is the horror, action drama. Next time the producers see something like this, they should just shelve it. If not that, at least give us an R rating so we can see some hooters, and maybe just a little blood.

Brian - the Naked Gun